Tubing down a motherfucking river like this fucking guy

HEY GUYS LIFE IS MISERABLE AND THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP. If I don’t get out of this city I will be picking tourists off with a rifle from the top of a casino. Okay, maybe I won’t kill anyone but I’ll at least give someone a pretty good flesh injury and it will be on the news. You need to rescue me because friends don’t let friends pay $18 for parking at a casino just to go on a shooting rampage that should be free.

Do you really want to be on the news explaining that you totally saw this coming because Stephanie is a fucking deviant and yet you did nothing to stop her? And that you lent her your rifle like a fucking idiot? Of course you don’t, JOHN.* So please let us flee this desert and rain hell down upon Utah with a fury matched only by the god of the old testament.

Did you guys know I lived in Montana for a long time? Sure, I was in reform school but sometimes they let us out and when they did we’d jump off cliffs into rivers, inner tube down rivers, boat in rivers, throw rocks into rivers and get drunk by rivers. It’s not that we were all suicidal (just me) but there is literally nothing else to do in Montana but jump off bridges into rivers… And go to church I guess, but who wants to do that when you have a perfectly good motherfucking river to drink beer in?

So there is this river in Utah called the Virgin River. We’re going to drive there for 2.5 hours and rent tubes. You can rent one, I’m getting two: one for me and one for my beer cooler. Then we’re going to float down that river while I drown myself in beer and try to regain my will to live. Lets just say when we return that river can no longer honestly refer to itself as the “Virgin” River. Yeah, fuck that river. I'm getting excited just thinking about it.

Everyone can put in money for gas and whoever wants to volunteer to drive is welcome to be the dad of this group. I call the car with the fun people in it and volunteer to be the Stephanie of this group. For now we’re setting the date and seeing who wants to go besides just me, CJ and Kris (of course they’re going, they’ll be coming back from the honeymoon feeling all murdery.) Once we know who is "in" the river trip we can decide if there is enough of us to rent a room and check out the park the next day before we head back. If not then this is just a lame ass day trip and we'll come back that night.

I am now open to comments and suggestions as long as none of them are critical or negative towards this idea in any way. Let’s plan this bitch. RSVP yes if you want to be "in" the river.... say no and you are dead to both me and the river.

*Did you guys know that John is afraid of a river? I say we drown him just for that. If everyone wants to pitch in we can raise $4 to rent a life preserver for John?