Horrible Halloween Par-tay

Dick Hunting Season has ended and Raping Season* is upon us! (Also known as Halloween.) Lets blow that rape whistle like it’s CJ’s birthday! Also it is CJ’s birthday so lets stay classy and bring the purebred dickwolves this time, I’m tired of getting raped by stray dickwolves that don’t have papers.

SHADY ADULT ACTIVITES

Since we’re all gifted natural athletes we’re going to play Ronald Regan Beer Pong! We’ll also have karaoke in case we all want to get naked and have a rap battle. We can drink, eat food, play cards, worship the dark lord… same stuff we always do. Except someone is for sure getting pregnant at this party. Probably.

PUT A COSTUME ALL OVER YOUR BODY

My inner demons demand that everyone arrive in proper formal Halloween party attire. We will be giving a LIFE CHANGING PRIZE to the winner of the costume contest. So if you’re a woman, wear something that will be a setback to women’s rights. If you’re a man, go as a zombie. (Women love a man who can appreciate her brain.) If you don’t wear a costume I’ll make you go as my designated driver. Bitch.

FUCKED UP FOOD

If your costume is a piece of shit you may want to consider alternative methods of making people love you. Like bringing food. The person who is able to bring the most fucked up Halloween themed food will win my love and respect and an actual prize.

But Hilary, how do I know if my food is good enough? It's easy here are the rules for fucked up potluck food:

- It’s dick shaped, or looks like any other human organ/body part.
- It’s demeaning to women.
- It’s demeaning to CJ.
- It’s uncomfortably racist or was made using slave labor.
- THERE’S A MOTHERFUCKING DICKWOLF ON IT!!!
- Something about blow jobs

ALCOHOL

Required. I’m not even going to elaborate on this.

THE +1 POLICY

If you actually find a date to this party you can maybe bring them if you ask my permission. However, you have to take full responsibility for that person if they turn out to be a boring asshole who smokes crystal meth. Seriously, that shit is harmful to the dickwolves. They're endangered.

*There will only be a tiny bit of rape at this party. You’ll barely even notice.