Black Friday Shut-in CAH Party

The year is 2016 and there are only 4 actual days in the American calendar year: Super Bowl Sunday, 4th of July, Black Friday, & Christmas. Black Friday is the best because I love standing in lines, it reminds me of the methadone clinic... and it’s time to get that Christmas spirit inside of me again!

And methadone.

Christmas is coming, so it is time to do battle! Nothing gets me in the Christmas spirit more than cutting someone during a shopping brawl at the Walmart. What’s better than using delightful Christmas carols about peace as a soundtrack for poor person Fight Club? Maybe using them as a soundtrack for rape but save the rape for Cyber Monday... Or Christmas eve, however you do it in your family. I’m not trying to disrespect anyone’s traditions here, I just like getting tazed at shopping malls.

Unfortunately, I will not be celebrating this time honored tradition because my daughter insists that her shitty gifts be certified Black Friday blood-free. That’s right, I’m a responsible fucking adult that raised “socially conscious” child. So fuck me, right?! I guess I won’t be breaking into cars at the mall this year even though the bible says I should. :(

Reality check: you can’t buy dignity at Walmart. Not even on the holidays. And your drug dealer isn’t giving you any discounts, so why bother? Especially since Tedi has kindly “sent her family away” and invited us to play CAH at her house that day. She’s saving so many lives by not killing anyone while shopping this year. Props Tedi, you’re a fucking American hero, lady.

You know the drill. 6PM, bring food and drinks to share, and don’t say anything about the weird smell coming from the basement or the absence of Tedi’s family. That will just make things weird and we’re all getting enough weirdness on Thanksgiving Day. This day is for people we actually like. And by that, I mean white people.